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Relationship Update from Chaang
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  1. #1
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    Relationship Update from Chaang

    Hi All,

    My last thread was about paying a dowry and that was closed down so I thought I would start a new one.

    Don't worry! It's not about Sin Sodt. (At this point I'm not even sure if there will be a wedding.) I just have some thoughts I need to get off my chest and if you're willing to listen, I appreciate it. And if you're not, then that's ok too.

    I went back to BKK in May to visit and try to clarify some things. I mentioned in the previous thread that I was sending her 40,000 Baht a month and many of you thought this was excessive. I agree that it is much more than a large percent of the population in Thailand make but let's be honest. A large part of the population is poor. I tried to see where the money was going and one thing I noticed is that we spent 3,000 to 4,000 Baht each time we went to Big C. All we bought were normal household supplies and personal items and just a little bit of food. It was less than what a typical middle-class family of 5 would spend on a weekly trip to the grocery store. Figuring that together with other expenses of raising a family and it doesn't seem excessive to me. What I did find strange was a lack of appreciation.

    My first few days there were not the most pleasant. She seemed to be unhappy with just about anything I did, said or thought I just couldn't understand why she would treat me like that when I was taking such good care of her. I was actually coming to a decision to break up with her at the end of the trip when she got some bad news from the lab. (She went for a physical a few days before I got there.)
    Parts of the report were in Thai and others in English. I could read enough of it to know it wasn't good news and I knew that any breaking-up would have to wait.

    I took her to Bumrungrad to see a doctor who said she had a pre-cancerous condition and recommended a laser procedure. This wasn't cheap but I'm sure it would have been much more expensive in the U.S.. (I have always been very impressed with the quality and low cost of medical care in Thailand) I wanted to take care of this while I was there so she went ahead and had the procedure. Afterwards she was just as antagonistic and did not seem the least bit grateful for the medical care that very well may have saved her life in the long run.

    During her week of recuperation I constantly reminded myself that she was in pain and worried about her health and so I tried to be understanding but she continued to be argumentative with me and this came to a head about a week before I was to leave. I was so uncomfortable with her that I was checking for hotels on the internet. I couldn't take any more. I asked her if she wanted me to leave and she said no. She kind of settled down that afternoon and the next day she was just as nice as can be. She has remained that way ever since. She says she misses me now that I am back in the U.S. and apologized several times for the way she treated me.

    She mentioned that her kids had a talk with her and told her that she was not treating me very nice. I don't know if it was that or the fact that I was ready to leave that turned her around. I just wonder why she got so crazy. Could it have been the stress of her medical problems or could she be going through menopause?

    In the long run, I just don't know what to do. Aside from her bad moods, we really don't have that much in common. She says she doesn't really enjoy sex that much and doesn't mind if I have a little fun on the side A lot of men would probably love a relationship like that but it makes me wonder. I also wonder why she can't tell me that she loves me. I don't know if it's just a Thai thing or something else. I know she is not "in love" with me but that's ok. I know that is just a passing thing. We are not school kids and we've both been around the block a few times. I do think she cares about me but I would just like to hear it once in a while. Is there a different Thai word for Love in the deeper, more long-term sense?

    So given all these problems, you may ask why I don't just break up with her. What is holding me back is the fact that I still care about her and the kids. I know it's my fault but I have raised their standard of living and I feel it would be cruel to leave them on their own. Given her lack of education and medical problems, I know that she would not be able to earn much on her own. They would have to move out of the condo that I have been renting for them and I doubt that the kids would be able to stay in the same school. Apart from the financial considerations, I have a good relationship with the kids. The youngest really likes having me around and I think she needs a father figure as her own doesn't come around much.

    I guess I only have two choices that I could live with. Marry her and hope for the best or break up and continue to give her some support (something like child support) while getting on with my life. I know I have no obligation to do that but I would just feel too guilty not to.

    Well, I guess that is enough rambling for now. If you care to comment on anything, please do so. Once again, please don't be offended if I don't run out and execute all the advice you give me but I do appreciate the feedback and it is helpful to get different opinions.

    Chaang

  2. #2
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    Re: Relationship Update from Chaang

    Hey I feel for you but I think you know the writing on the wall. The disrespectful way she treated you with all you did for her, that has nothing to do with cultural differences. That's the type of person she is, trust me a girl will let you know if she loves you, yes, even a rural Thai girl. Women are women the world over after all.

    For perspectives sake, 40,000 baht is equivalent to around U.S. 1194 dollars a month. Multiply that by 12 months and it's about 14,300 dollars a year. That amount is actually more than the U.S. poverty threshold guideline of $14,000 for a family of 2 (in the continental U.S.). So obviously that is a lot even by U.S. standards.

    I think in your heart you know how this will end up if you do marry her, but probably you're in a lot of cloudy emotions. So whatever you do I wish you the best regardless.

  3. #3
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    Re: Relationship Update from Chaang

    You know in your own heart how this is going to end up and what has to be done, this relationship will cause you grief. It's not going to get better. You admit yourself she doesn't love you, she loves your wallet, If she can't even show you a little affection, appreciation and respect now, how do you think things will be further down the track?
    The fact that she says she doesn't mind if you "have a bit on the side" is frankly ludicrous and suggests that it is all about money with her. Marry her? Don't be a fool, cut your losses and get out, you may hurt a bit now but it will pass.
    Last edited by Surawut; 06-07-08 at 11:35 AM. Reason: spelling

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    Re: Relationship Update from Chaang

    Quote Originally Posted by chaang View Post
    She says she doesn't really enjoy sex that much and doesn't mind if I have a little fun on the side A lot of men would probably love a relationship like that but it makes me wonder. I also wonder why she can't tell me that she loves me. I don't know if it's just a Thai thing or something else. I know she is not "in love" with me but that's ok.
    Hands up men who envy this relationship where you have to give the woman who doesn't love you more than 40,000baht a month and she telling you not to touch her and instead you can go out and find other women for your needs. Duh.

    You're obviously just a walking ATM for her. The perfect one whose so silly who doesn't even realise you're paying for "nothing".

    Notice how these women only apologise and beg for forgivness when the men are back to their own country... over the phone. Funnier if the woman's actual bf was actually by the side coaching her what to say to the men.

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    Re: Relationship Update from Chaang

    Quote Originally Posted by InterestedGuy08 View Post
    trust me a girl will let you know if she loves you, yes, even a rural Thai girl. Women are women the world over after all.
    I posted the reply once " this statement cannot be applied to all Thai women".

    BUCKY, agreed . This kind of story keeps repeating over and over.

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    Re: Relationship Update from Chaang

    In my view, there is nothing wrong in helping someone, if you can, whatever the outcome. Of course, it will not make sense if you hurt yourself to the extent you cannot take care of things and people you love today and will love tommorow. That would not be nice. So, you decide.

    To some extent its ok to hurt others in the process of doing the 'right' thing ... we are all typically built to survive it.

    You will know best...
    Never hit someone below the belt; for you are not the creator.

  7. #7
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    Re: Relationship Update from Chaang

    Quote Originally Posted by InterestedGuy08 View Post

    For perspectives sake, 40,000 baht is equivalent to around U.S. 1194 dollars a month. Multiply that by 12 months and it's about 14,300 dollars a year. That amount is actually more than the U.S. poverty threshold guideline of $14,000 for a family of 2 (in the continental U.S.). So obviously that is a lot even by U.S. standards.

    I think in your heart you know how this will end up if you do marry her, but probably you're in a lot of cloudy emotions. So whatever you do I wish you the best regardless.
    Thank you for your kind words and understanding. As for the money, maybe I am just blessed with a good income but in my opinion $14,000 isn't enough for even one person to live on in the U.S.. At least not where I live. It costs that much just for housing alone.

    Quote Originally Posted by Surawut View Post
    You know You admit yourself she doesn't love you, she loves your wallet, If she can't even show you a little affection, appreciation and respect now, how do you think things will be further down the track?
    I don't know that she doesn't love me. She just doesn't say it, which I find strange for a woman. It's true that she is not all that affectionate but she does show appreciation most of the time. It was just that period of time that she was acting crazy. The problem is I'm afraid it could repeat itself in the future.

    Quote Originally Posted by BUCKY View Post
    she telling you not to touch her and instead you can go out and find other women for your needs. Duh.
    I appreciate your input but it's funny how some people read what is not there. I never said she told me not to touch her. Sorry if it read like that. She does try to please me in that regard but she admitted that she doesn't enjoy it all that much. And of course, the medical problems she has play a big role also. (I know this is a family show, so I'm trying not to get into too much detail.) She just told me that if she wasn't meeting my needs, she is not a jealous woman and wouldn't mind if I met my needs with someone else. I still find this strange however.

    Thanks for your inputs Mel and Trangam.

    Chaang

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    Re: Relationship Update from Chaang

    i wonder why everything is forgiven if the girl is a thai...
    you went to the other side of the world, waste enormous amounts on her cared for her and she refuses to even thank you...

    well... you feel that she doesn't love you... she didn't say that but she acts like that

    there's no way to buy her love so maybe you should break up like she already did?

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    Re: Relationship Update from Chaang

    Dear Chaang,

    Opinion from an Americanized Thai woman: I am going to be very direct (my american side). She doesn't love you, she cares for you as her friend and provider; if you can accept that then you can be happy with the situation. You do care for her and her children so I hope you can adjust your thinking and expectation. If you can accept yourself as being the friend, provider for the family and father figure for the children then you can be happy. If you continue to expect her to love you as your mate you will be disappointed and unhappy. You will continue to demand from her what she cannot give you - her love, and both of you will be unhappy. You can only change yourself not others.

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    Re: Relationship Update from Chaang

    Quote Originally Posted by chaang View Post
    I appreciate your input but it's funny how some people read what is not there. I never said she told me not to touch her. Sorry if it read like that. She does try to please me in that regard but she admitted that she doesn't enjoy it all that much. And of course, the medical problems she has play a big role also. (I know this is a family show, so I'm trying not to get into too much detail.) She just told me that if she wasn't meeting my needs, she is not a jealous woman and wouldn't mind if I met my needs with someone else. I still find this strange however.
    I'm basically just summarising how I feel about your relationship with this woman is. Its 100% monetary. Sometimes you don't need to "see" everything to know whats happening. Some people involved "in it" don't even know what's going on. Lets see if she'll still see you let alone let you touch her if you stop giving her any money at all? You're lying to yourself if you believe she loves you and what she said about she not being a jealous woman and you can go out find other women for your needs.
    Quote Originally Posted by chaang View Post
    Thanks for your inputs Mel and Trangam.
    Why? Negative inputs don't deserve thanks?

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