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Questioning Lost relationships
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  1. #1
    annabee Guest


    i am thai but have lived in australia for 19 of my 21 years..i have so far had a content and normal normal as u can get with a mother stuck in thailand circa 1959...anwayz (thats a story i have told before...)

    its coming up to anniversies of my grandparents death ...every anniversy my family goes to the temple and "tum sangatarn" or make merit for them to mark the occasion and for it has become a time for reflection ..

    But this year it will be a lil different because my brother is now a first time father and hence my own mother is now a first time grandparent herself...when i see my mother and my little niece i see this really special bond...something i dont know if i ever felt with my own grandparents on both sides..especially on my fathers side..

    I used to see other kids talk about visting their grandparents and some of them had close relationships with theirs.. in my mind I thought "wat would it be have been like if i could have talked to my grand parents so easily like that". or be able to show affection to them so readily ..but I grew up away from them so therefore i never really knew them..though i loved them all the same..every 2 or 3 years i would see them for a week and then i would i never really knew them the way i now so long for..back then i was to young i thought they would always be there...i dont even know if they even loved me..bc they never said it.

    I was in my early teens when they died..i was too wrapped up in my own world at the time to really understand wat thier passings meant....but now i am older and the dynamics of my imediate family have changed i am starting to question things like wat role my grandparents played in my life..i am questioning my own relationship with my absentee father...does he care hes a grandparent now ?? will my niece ever know him?? y has the birth of this new person in our family made me and my siblings suddenly long to know if our father still cares about us or if he ever did at all ??

    I have never ever had any kind of real relationship with my father when we meet its like too universes collide..he thinks i am too westernised and i think hes too guarded with me..

    wat i mean to say with all my ramblings is lately i been thinking all the relationships i WISHED that i could of had and the relationships that i WANT to have but never really mattered to me this much b4 but I am at a time when i am looking to a new direction in my life but i am also thinking back to the direction i came from to make sure i am going the right way and havent left anything or anyone behind..

    but something inside me is saying learn from your regret of not really knowing your grandparents and reach out to your father otherwise you will regret it ...but after 19 years or so apart and without any fatherly input in my life in all those years i am thinking maybe its to late..we are to different..i may look thai but after 19 years in australia my heart my mind is australian but my soul is forever thai..

    will he understand this?? will he care..does he even want to know this daughter of his after so long i betraying my mother by wanting some kind of normal father daughter relationship??? by wanting this am i saying my mother didnt do a good enough job being both mother and father to me me??

    growing up abroad represents to me today...a lost oppurtunity to form any real bonds or real relationships with my father , grandparents and extended family do i regret this?? ..dont think i will ever stop...i have this longing to have my family together but it will never happen..

    so for now i will settle for forming a new bond ..the one between myself and my niece and reaffirming my spiritual bond that helps to soothe but never abolish the loss i feel over my fathers absence from my life..and the question that i have asked myself almost every day of my life is "why do i even care..".. and the answer has remained the same that as much as i dont want to care i jus cant help it that i do..

    sorry bout this being so long..thanks for taking the time to read it to skim it watever u did to get down to this point in the post...u have jus done me an honour and took the time to listen to me..thank u its all that i ask to be listened to..

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
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    Annabee, one immediate comment I have is that I think you are heaping to much "blame" on yourself for the lack of quality relationship with your father and grandparents. First, you were just too young to have the relationship you wished you had with your grandparents. How were you to know any better? As for your father, you are again taking too much responsibility onto yourself for what appears to be something well outside your control.

    I remember a few years ago my then 16 y.o. niece wanted to stay with her father in Washington State to re-attach with him after being apart for a few years due to divorce. She could only put up with him for one year, before coming back to Illinois, telling her mother (my sister) that her father was a total jerk. She understand then why her mother divorced him. That was a major learning experience for my niece. She still maintains contact with her father but harbors no illusions about being really close to him anymore.

    Things could be different for you and your father but keep in mind that you might just be deluding yourself into believing in a reality that does not exist (i.e., that you and your father will have a storybook father-daughter relationship).

    Plus, you seem to think that you could have more control over your relationships where none/little existed before, but the fact may be that your grandiose attempt to impose your will upon them now may come to nothing also. In short, your perceived past "failure" may have absolutely nothing to do you.

    I hate sounding like an amateur psychologist but I speak from years of experience with 20/20 hindsight.

    Those are my two cents so take it for what it's worth.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Dun be so hard on yourself. Do cheer up and enjoy the new relationship forged.
    Live your Life to the Fullest.
    The Lonely Boxer.


  4. #4
    delawang Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by [b
    Quote[/b] (annabee @ Jan. 21 2004,21:54)]sorry bout this being so long..thanks for taking the time to read it to skim it watever u did to get down to this point in the post..
    Read…not skimmed. Read many times but I have no insight about this. You have to balance so many things. If I were in your situation I would be doing a lot of drinking.

    About your grandparents never telling you they loved you, this is not a reason to suspect. It is a cultural difference. You know both cultures better than me, and you see how Thai people interact. My in-laws have never told any of their children or grand children that they love them. My wife says it is obvious and thinks it is strange to say to family members. I have discussed this with her more than once. She thinks the way I always tell my son and my parents I love them is weird. She thinks for grown parents and children to hug is weird. This does not mean that she feels any differently about her family than I do. It is a cultural difference.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Sydney Australia
    Thanked 281 Times in 224 Posts
    Welcome fellow Australian, I have an older sister I met for the first time 10 years ago. The first time I met her was also the last time I have had any contact with her, I have no intention of seeing her again, some times families are not worth seeing if you have lives apart all your life. I also new my grandparents but was never very close before they dies.
    My advice is to try and keep in touch with your mother as you are now an adult which means you have more maturity, more common sense than you had as a child, your relationship with your grand parents as a child is only natural in your circumstance, but don't stress out if you don't click with your mother, you can only try your best, you have spent a life time a part.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
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    I can relate to your situation in many ways annabee. I only have one living grandparent, my nan on my mum's side. Im lucky in the fact i do have a good relationship with her, but i rarely get to see her. On my dad's side my granddad is long missing and my grandmother is dead, and i never had the chance to get on with them.
    It is a relationship id like to have had, but now i realise i shouldnt let that eat me up, and thats my advice to you. Dont let it get to you. It sounds calous to say that, but if you cling to the past too much, it'll affect future relationships you have with people.

    As with your father, im also in a similar situation. For most of my life, he was a relatively unknown part of my life. Now im 22 and we've been talking for a couple years and we get on. We dont see eye to eye on how to live life, and do argue about it sometimes. But you can work around it. I always thought he didnt care about me, and i found out i was wrong, he never stopped loving me and never will. And you dad is probaly the same. Never underestimate the love a parent has for their child, its unconditional. And what seemed like a situation where he disappeared, may not have been something under his control. I dont want to seem like im assuming things, or preaching to you. Its my personal experience. My father couldnt be around because of my parents divorce and events that surrounded it. As was said above, dont blame yourself for it. I did for so many years, and that affected my entire life. I couldnt hold relationships in fear that it would end. I was scared to get married incase i did what my father did. But thats my personal account, it could be different for you.

    My advice is talk to him, try to share feelings and ask him why he isnt around. It helped me clear up a lot of things, and now im on my way to an eventual family of my own one day.

    I hope my 2 Baht can help.

  7. #7
    Ajink Guest
    Forget the past and move on forward....think what u can do in future,,,, U cannot change past but u can change future.....and dont get to hard on urself::

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    Ur "father" does not always have to be ur father.

    Chang Noi.

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