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I am the Secret Boyfriend.
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  1. #1
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    I am the Secret Boyfriend.

    It is very difficult to know when we are being culturally sensitive and when we might have abandoned common sense. I am a 47 year old Australian guy who is the secret boyfriend of a 36 year old Thai woman. We met online in December 2009, after a few casual emails we had a ten hour cam chat, a record for both of us. I'm comfortable with the whole internet dynamic having befriended an American woman online who became my gf for five years and having also befriended Australian women with a similar result. One thing those experiences made clear, it's better to meet sooner rather than later. There is a great deal of important information missing in the best quality cam chat regardless of how honest and talkative you both are.
    So.
    I just spent ten days in Bangkok, only ten days because I'm at university, getting the education for my third career in hand. During all the chats we had members of Kitty's family would wander in and out in the background and I was always introduced as just some internet Fallang friend. I knew this and had no problem with it, after all, many guys chat but never visit, so it makes no sense for a woman to invest any of her reputation in you until you demonstrate you are worth even that small risk by turning up.

    During the ten day visit events sort of trapped Kitty into telling her "step"mom and her own 17 year old daughter that I was more than just a platonic friend. As far as I know, no other member of the family is in on that secret. Kitty lives with this family who she describes as her "step family". It's not clear to me how they came to be her "step family" as her mother is still alive and still in the picture in a positive way.

    Kitty's stepmom reasonably warned her that many Fallang forget Thai girl as soon as they get on the plane home and for that reason stepmom was concerned for Kitty. Fair enough too, I hear plenty of Australian men who just see Thailand as a cheap destination where they can con their way into some tawdry entertainment at a Thai woman's expense and then never be seen by her again.

    The largest fear I have heard Kitty express, on quite a few occasions, has been if her stepdad found out she was dating a Fallang. Apparently he would be severely unimpressed by this eventuality. Part of that being the way Kitty has turned up her nose at various suitors introduced to her by the various members of her stepfamily. Kitty's explanation for why she has not been positive about those men is, "those men don't SEE me." Kitty would never say this about her stepfamily but sometimes I get the impression from the narrative she shares with me, that her stepfamily underestimate and perhaps undervalue her.

    This fear was underlined by the stepmom because the second part of the ten days I moved to an apartment block much closer to Kitty's neighbourhood, for Kitty's convenience to visit me. On learning of this move the stepmom was astonished that Kitty would risk having me somewhere close to where the stepfather has friends and someone who might see Kitty with me and report it to him. It would seem the stepmom also expects stepdad to have a negative attitude, it's not just Kitty's perception of the situation.

    So, while I didn't expect to be introduced to the family on this first visit, I didn't exactly expect to come home still as a secret, but now, as we connected pretty strongly face to face, I am not just some guy on the internet, I am Kitty's boyfriend, she's my girl, but I'm still a secret.

    I can see that, from the perspective of "many Fallangs forget you when they leave" it makes sense that until I come back a second time there is still a fair cause for doubting my reliability. I don't take that personally. But I do feel some question in my mind about exactly WHAT it will take before Kitty is prepared to deal with the potential family stresses and confess that the big bald Fallang is actually her boyfriend.

    My question is: Does the story I've just shared sound like something quite possible within the range of attitudes to be found among Thais in their late fifties (That is the Stepdad's age) and has anyone else out there experienced being the secret boyfriend and has a happy ending to share with me.
    Peace.
    Mikel.

  2. #2
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    Re: I am the Secret Boyfriend.

    HI

    I would say she is still married. and husband is away or somewhere else

    At 36 too old to be afraid of stepdad unless there is a history of abuse or violence.
    or she is worried if stepdad has money she won't get any.

    a relationship based or founded on lies and deceit will never end well.

    One time when I was in my wifes village another farang showed up so it was assumed I am my wife would go with them to visit the large wat nearby.

    I had never met this woman of the farang before he was a nice guy about 30 and a teacher from Denmark only in thailand for a few months coaching Futball at a local university. for a semester.

    during the trip somethings did not feel right I tryed to assk my wife but she said not now i will tell you later. turns out the woman was married and living in another city where she met this man she had three children living in the village with her mother. and the woman didn't even send any money back to help take care of children. but she had lots of gold jewlery She told the children not to call her mother while the farang was around she told him they were niece's. it was so sad to see the children's face's when they couldn't touch or acknowledge their mother.

    when I found out after he left I was livid I tried to find him to tell him but he was gone. my wife said don't it might cause trouble in village. she didn't like the woman but went so as not to stir up touble.

    I told her don't ever agree to go with people again unless they promise to always tell the truth.

    what really made me mad is when we were riding in the truck she was seating on the farang lap being all lovey dovey but she was hitting on the driver and saying
    her farang wasn't that good in bed but he had money.

  3. #3
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    Re: I am the Secret Boyfriend.

    Quote Originally Posted by khonrai View Post
    HI

    I would say she is still married. and husband is away or somewhere else
    If there is a "significant other", Thai, this could be very dangerous for you.

  4. #4
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    Re: I am the Secret Boyfriend.

    Yes, I was thinking that she might be married as well.

  5. #5
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    Re: I am the Secret Boyfriend.

    At the age of 36 she almost certainly has a history of relationships with males.

    Ask probing questions. I guarantee she will give you conflicting, confusing answers.

    I'll repeat my mantra, which over the years has proved to be accurate.

    "Nothing in Thailand is what it seems to be"

  6. #6
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    Re: I am the Secret Boyfriend.

    Quote Originally Posted by Surawut View Post

    I'll repeat my mantra, which over the years has proved to be accurate.

    "Nothing in Thailand is what it seems to be"
    Hi Surawut! Care to elaborate or/and share some of your experience...

  7. #7
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    Re: I am the Secret Boyfriend.

    Thank you All for taking the time to respond.

    I'll point out that I didn't suggest Kitty said she was a virgin or any such thing. She has a daughter from her first, arranged marriage, who I have met and she was engaged to married at some point in the 17 years since she left that arranged marriage.

    For further clarity, I've been clear all along that I currently don't earn much, being a middle aged university student. I don't qualify as a cash cow. It is hard for me to see what Kitty would be gaining by having a hidden husband and hanging around with budget tourist me?

    My question was not an enquiry based on an assumption Kitty was manipulating me, it was an enquiry into the possible cultural context for her felt need to be secretive in relation to her family.

    Khonrai's idea about the fear of stepfather only making sense if abuse was involved would feel reasonable to me in my own cultural context but I wonder if it's reasonable in the context of role of family in Thailand. I have met one other Thai lady (last year) via the internet and she wanted to keep her Mother in the dark in the early stages of our chatting, specifically her Mother, her friends were often part of our chats, to avoid a bunch of troublesome questions and tensions.

    I appreciate the alternative ideas and frameworks, it's helping me think about the situation even if I'm not sure all your responses are to the specific situation I wrote about.
    Peace.
    Mikel.

  8. #8
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    Re: I am the Secret Boyfriend.

    IMHO... I feel Thai culture is such (for that matter most Asians), the single females dont want to to be seen around with Males, specially foreigners, until they are 100% sure of the relationship or they are married to them. A Thai single female associating a foreigner seem to raise quite a few eyebrows.

    So do give her the benefit of the doubt - she could be very genuine and trying to do her best for your relationship.

  9. #9
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    Re: I am the Secret Boyfriend.

    I agree with ravip.
    I think you are expecting too much too fast.
    you know her only a few months and you spent time with her in person for only 10 days. there is no reason for her to trust you so much to start stirring things up with her stepfather.
    what are your intentions? do you think about moving to Thailand or take her to Australia?
    if all you're gonna do is meet her for a few days every few months there is a good chance she will never admit to you being her boyfriend.

  10. #10
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    Re: I am the Secret Boyfriend.

    I fully agree with ravip & kedbecker; if she is a decent girl she has to follow some rules.

    How can she be sure at the stage your relationship has now, that you don't fool her.

    Knowing somebody only from Internet and from a 10-day visit is like knowing nothing at all.

    I think she doesn't want to be considered to be "one of these girls" who meet with Farang men, I mean women meeting foreigners as a profession; just give her some time, if you 2 really love each other it will all turn out to be well.

    Try to visit her for a second time as soon as possible, and at this second visit it already might start getting better.
    My interesting blog about Thailand at Thailand Blog ---> click here

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