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Thread: Who pays?

  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by FaranginPhetch
    As usual he has his head where the sun don't shine..

    What is correct anywhere in the world is if you invite anyone, male or female, out for dinner then you should pay the bill for dinner,But only for the ones you actually invite,,very rude for them to bring along a lot of friends and expect you to pick up the whole tab,, drinks should be optional or coarse..

    and if you are asked out by a female, then she should expect to pay and bring along anyone she wants..It's her money..

    SPUD,,if you are sponging off your g/f by staying at her parents house, then you should expect to pick up the tab,,room and board are never free.
    I never sponged anything of my girlfriend's family.

    What i think is rude is when i told my girlfriend that i didnt have that much money, i only had like 15,000 baht until the end of January. Before i went to her house i already told her id didnt want to go.

    her house i old, ugly and dirty and they expect me to have a bath outside - her family look as if they got know self respect. Then i have to sleep on the floor and they have this stupid dog that barks and howls all night.

    You see now why i didnt want to go. Id rathed gone to a new year party at Nana Plaza
    .

    So i felt like i was forced to go. When i got to her house i already saw the leeches hanging around the door waiting for free booze and food. If there are ten of them and only one of me i think my offer of paying half is generous of me.

    I thinjk they are out to cheat me sometime. In August i went to her house and her sister was playing cards next door gambling. The police came and she got arrested and taken down the police station and had to pay a fine. She didnt have enough money for the fine so they asked me to pay it. I didnt go the police station but my girlfriend said the fine was 3,000 baht, i never seen the reciept.

    When i was at Nana Plaza my friend who has living in thailand for 8 years tells me the fine for gambling/playing cards is just 700 baht. I dont know but her family look like they want to screw me for all my money.

  2. #22
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    Jimmy,

    I want to be careful to not give a particular opinion on the right or wrong thing to do, because that depends on a lot of variables.

    After reading this thread though, I will make a general comment. In my humble opinion, if you've gotten into a situation (in Thailand or elsewhere) where there is not a clear understanding between you and your GF/BF then it's that understanding that you need to work on (on both sides). You can't rely on the opinion of people on a board like this of the "correct" way to go about it. They can give advice and guidance but they are not you. They don't know all the background, and, most importantly, they are not the one in the relationship.

    [The only "technical" comment I'll make is that I hope you don't need people on the board to tell you that meeting the parents suggests a much higher level of committment than it would in the West. I'm not going to give any opinions on what that implies, because I know that my grasp of the implications is vanishingly small...]
    ไมค์

  3. #23
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    All the more reason to not be rude and so disrepectful. I feel bad for the girl and her family right now. They are doing all the cultural rituals of bringing him in and in response they get him no longer trusting them and thinking they are out to cheat him on their every move. Jimmy if you want the relationship you better do some deep studying like yesterday on Thai culture because you have totally misread everything!

    The only questionable thing in your entire post is the fine. There are so many ways that could have happened, and I bet not one leads back to the family. Have you ever read anything on experiences with Thai police? Chances are word got around the neighborhood that a farang was staying with them. You should ask your friend who is living in Thailand about what that could do.

  4. #24
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    Notice! my solution

    When I go upcountry I normally decide how much I can live with sqandering and take that amount of cash (usually 4 or 5 thousand baht) in my pocket and leave my wallet and eveything else in it in Bangkok. If I don't have my atm cards I can't spend more than I had bargained for. It might be a good idea to let your girlfriend know exactly how much money you are carrying too.
    Now that I am married I do the same thing but I hand over all of the cash to my wife so it is now her responsibility (we always leave with zero baht though.) This way it takes the pressure off me when all of the neighbors stroll up and shamelessly ask for money or for you to buy something. She would have a better idea of who is who in the village and I can just say (or more like jesture ) that I don't hold the money and to ask my wife.
    We don't have a problem with the family with their hand out (although my wife slips her mum some money) it's just all the villagers that crawl out of the woodwrok when we arrive.

    btw. I have a new pic on my profile from our recent trip to Krabi. Check it out.
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  5. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by iGotNoTime
    All the more reason to not be rude and so disrepectful. I feel bad for the girl and her family right now. They are doing all the cultural rituals of bringing him in and in response they get him no longer trusting them and thinking they are out to cheat him on their every move. Jimmy if you want the relationship you better do some deep studying like yesterday on Thai culture because you have totally misread everything!

    The only questionable thing in your entire post is the fine. There are so many ways that could have happened, and I bet not one leads back to the family. Have you ever read anything on experiences with Thai police? Chances are word got around the neighborhood that a farang was staying with them. You should ask your friend who is living in Thailand about what that could do.
    Why do think i am the one that is rude and disrespectful? or are you a Thai? You must be a Thai man, you tell me to study Thai culture but you live in Ohio USA. I am confused as i live in Thailand and after more than half a year here i know a lot already.

    What do you mean i misread everything?? I dont understand or are you trying to say that it is normal for the Farang to pay for everything and everybody. Please Mr Smart tell me.

  6. #26
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    Jimmy,

    As I said, I am a novice in things Thai, so I don't presume to give you specific advice. The advice I gave you would apply to any relationship anywhere.

    I have no personal knowledge of you, or the contributors to these threads, but I do gather from reading their posts that several of them, including iGotNoTime, FaranginPhetch, and visionchaser45, are married to Thai women, so I would consider their views carefully. I say "consider" because they don't always seem to agree , so you'll have to make up your own mind (as you should).

    I know you've spent some time living in Thailand so I hope it's not too condescending to say that in addition to the book recommended on the "racist" thread, many people recommend the book about Western-Thai relationships "Good Medicine for Thailand Fever" by Pirazzi and Vasant, Paiboon, 2004. It's bright yellow and I'm sure it's easy to find in Bangkok. If you've alread read it, I apologise in advance, but the tone of your posts suggests that you have not. It's in both English and Thai, which is helpful because you can tell your friend "read this page, this is the sort of thing I get upset about" and she can read it in her first language.
    ไมค์

  7. #27
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    OK,Now I will try to explain myself and what I said.

    ""I never sponged anything of my girlfriend's family.

    What i think is rude is when i told my girlfriend that i didn't have that much money, i only had like 15,000 baht until the end of January. Before i went to her house i already told her id didn't want to go.

    her house i old, ugly and dirty and they expect me to have a bath outside - her family look as if they got know self respect. Then i have to sleep on the floor and they have this stupid dog that barks and howls all night.

    You see now why i didn't want to go. Id rathed gone to a new year party at Nana Plaza
    .

    So i felt like i was forced to go. When i got to her house i already saw the leeches hanging around the door waiting for free booze and food. If there are ten of them and only one of me i think my offer of paying half is generous of me."""""""""

    Then if that is the case, you are off the hook, if you told her that you didn't have the money then it is her that is in the wrong.
    But as far as paying for everything and having a party, you can blame that on Visonchaser45 and the likes of him that always have a big party when arriving, we have a couple of Farang here that do the same thing, one German and one Dane, then all the drunks show up and it makes a big hit with them and the rest of the village talk about what a fool they are for wasting all that money and making noise all night with their hired bands and loud music and keeping half the village awake that have to go to the fields early.And it gets the idea to the locals that all farang are rich fools.
    My wife said that they asked her if we were having a big party when we were married and she said NO,,so they do not expect anymore freebies from me than any other person living here. So once again it seems like the foreigners have contaminated the locals, which has not a damn thing to do with tradition or culture.
    As to their house, They are pobly doing as good as they can and the place is pobly as clean as it can be under the circumstances, Not every house has beds I do not believe, when I first started to move around Asia 50 odd years ago, there were not that many beds that I remember of and I have spent many night on the floor and was surprised when ever I saw a "BED" and I have went outside to shower many more times than I can remember.
    And it just seems to be the Thai way not to pay any attention to barking dogs, and it never keeps them from sleeping,,does me tho.

    It is very difficult for me to understand why everyone keeps harping on THAI CULTURE, if you are polite to people and do what is basically right, what more can there be, Like I said, I have been moving around between Korea and Ceylon for over 50 years and going from country to country and being at ease is as natural to me as breathing and I guess that I just fall in line and never have known what people are talking about when they say "CULTURAL SHOCK"
    so maybe I am not the one that should be giving you advise on what to do and how to act, Just be polite and do unto others as you would have them do unto you and you should be OK.
    But as far as the party went, I have asked my wife and read her your posts and she says that you are not wrong..and the only time in the last 45 years since she was born that she has been outside Thailand is when I took her to LAOS for 3 days 2 different times..
    OH and the fine here for gambling is 500 baht..

  8. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy the spud
    What do you mean i misread everything?? I dont understand or are you trying to say that it is normal for the Farang to pay for everything and everybody. Please Mr Smart tell me.
    Since you asked I will tell you why I say you read into everything wrong.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy the spud
    Before i went to her house i already told her id didnt want to go.
    That is one of the worst insults you can give when invited to stay at someone's home. More so if they knew you were at Nana Plaza because they are trying to offer you more than what Nana Plaza could extend to you. They are (as Mike hinted) more than likely making an invitation for you to be part of their family. So it is especially more offensive if you are dating their daughter.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy the spud
    her house is old, ugly and dirty and they expect me to have a bath outside - her family look as if they got know self respect.
    Not all of Thailand is as hmmmm advanced as Grungthep and to many of the country people who can afford nothing more that obviously would be like a knife in the back. An expression that some knowledge of Thai culture would have forewarned you never to make. I encourage to do a search on the subject of saving face in this forum. I really think you could learn alot about how to express yourself from that alone. To say that their house is dirty... well I don't know about Scotland, but I would imagine that could offensive there too? I do hope you did not tell you girlfriend what you thought of it.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy the spud
    You see now why i didnt want to go. Id rathed gone to a new year party at Nana Plaza.
    Again I hope you did not say that to them either. If things like this are said you would be considered a very impolite person with no appreciation for what they are offering you both in terms of room & board but also the invitation that is likely lying beneath it. Most of us who are married, know that if these things would have been said both invitations would have been retracted, and probably very quickly.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy the spud
    So i felt like i was forced to go. When i got to her house i already saw the leeches hanging around the door waiting for free booze and food. If there are ten of them and only one of me i think my offer of paying half is generous of me.
    Again to refer to these people as leeches I do hope you had some sense of who they were as Jerome eluded to. Some may be family, other may be friends of family. I will not deny that there are some who are simply looking for a free night of fun drinking, but make sure you are very well aware of who it is you are denying your courtesy to. It could easily come back to haunt you if it is a village chief, or a favorite uncle coming to meet you and give his blessing on the relationship for example. As a side note, when we visit family, we do usually pay for most of the gatherings, buying the meat and the drinks. Never 100% every night but so far the first party of the trips we have always paid 100%.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy the spud
    I think they are out to cheat me sometime.
    My only statement about this is that is no way to start a relationship. A lack of trust before you are even wed is a sign of failure anywhere not only in Thailand. The only reason I said that was because you incinuated that your girlfriend too was involved in the conspiracy by being tellin you what you assumed was a lie.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy the spud
    When i was at Nana Plaza my friend who has living in thailand for 8 years tells me the fine for gambling/playing cards is just 700 baht.
    Again the police are probably more at root of this than anyone else. Too since you were in the country, it might be helpful to know that up there, it is a very rare event to get a receipt for anything that you pay for.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy the spud
    I dont know but her family look like they want to screw me for all my money.
    If you are really concerned about this I think you should read Stevesuphan's posts and stories. He has seen alot of situations like this and his advice could probably help you. Since my being married for 5 years and not yet living in Thailand does not count for anything with you, you would be pleased to know that Steve does live in Thailand.

    To sum it all up I think Mike has a good point and I am sure that you would enjoy and probably even find the book that he mentioned amusing and pretty funny in many ways. Too like Faranginphetch said you do not have to abide by the normally accepted way things are done in Thailand. But what goes around comes around, if you don't do things the way they would normally be done, then you would not be treated as the son-in-law would normally be treated. Just consider if anything above I said is true consider how much the relationship could be damaged by the actions. Before you can really make decent calls about what to do and when it is very helpful to have a very in depth insight to the way they view your actions. Know how they would feel and view you when you do or say this or that.

  9. #29
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    To Jimmy the spud


    If you have traveled many thousands of kilometers and spent thousands of dollars on airfare's to see your girlfriend and her family in Thailand, I would think it only fair if she contributed financially to your living and entertainment expenses in Thailand and not expect you to pay for all these free loaders, as if it was the other way round, and a Thai woman spend a fortune on an airfare to come and see her farang man in the USA, Australia or Europe, I bet most hosts would pay for every thing, not just provide free accommodation.
    I personally am not put on this earth to subsides other people, who want to sponge of other people, based on out dated superstitious cultures that should grow up and move on with the times.

  10. #30
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    Hey Igotno..

    Lets just hope he never said those things to her or her family, Damn that would be about the rudest thing I ever heard of and just surmised the he didn't or wouldn't...

    About as you said,,"might have been an uncle" I have lived here for 4 years with my wife and I am still meeting relatives, they live all over this area and all are relatives of some sort. Must be thousands of em..

    But I do not think that it should be a must to go stay at someones house just because you are invited,,You should still have a say in it if you do not want to and they would have no reason to be offended, I have not seen that in any countrys list of customs.

    He said it is his girlfriend and I think it would be more offensive to go to her parents and sleep with her before marriage.
    I know if our daughter brings a boyfriend home and he jumps in her bed, his hide will be hanging on my fence in the morning.

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